As devices that facilitate laziness go, escalators rival The Clapper. There are few things sillier than people who stand as they ride up an escalator. I'll give a pass to anyone hauling a giant suitcase, people on crutches, or someone hauling a giant suitcase that contains a person on crutches. Everyone else gets my silent contempt. It's not a carnival ride, people, they're just stairs. You look like an idiot standing there in lethargic awe while a century-old invention magically transports you twenty feet closer to Heaven.
Yesterday morning as we hurried our way up to the train platform, we had a stander. An able-bodied middle-aged woman who stared ahead blankly while being delivered to her life's next struggle. And unlike most L station escalators, this one isn't wide enough to accommodate the unspoken "walkers on the left, standers on the right" shared by the majority of mass transit commuters. So when one person stands, we all must stand.
Sometimes I'll dramatically stomp up the steps to give standers a little motivation, but they're usually oblivious to the hint. This time I had help from Greek God of of mechanical failure, Breakdownicus. Halfway through our ride on the Amazing Moving Staircase Machine, it stopped. There was no gradual slowdown or noise to warn us ... just an abrupt stop. At first I thought I did it with the power of my disdain. But then I remembered we're dealing with the workaday shortcomings of the Chicago Transit Authority, whose motto is "It's Almost Better Than Walking to Work!".
After recovering from the jolt of momentum that nearly caused everyone to fall forward, there was a great moment of surprised confusion. Once we realized the escalator crapped out, I thought about shouting "Help! We're stuck!!" but was fairly certain nobody would get it. It wasn't long before the bain of my existence who was causing the holdup realized she wasn't paralyzed.
As if a faith healer laid hands and cast out the demons of laziness, she put one foot in front of (and a little above) the other. Soon, we all followed her inspiring lead. I considered applauding sarcastically but realized that electrical power to the trains above would likely be interrupted by the sound of my clapping.
10 comments:
I have the same problem with people crowding a bar.. sipping your drink like a little girl. You stand there holding up the people that really want to drink. Bars were made for fueling your body with alcohol, and you pansy asses.. that stand there sipping your rum and cokes,vodka gimlets or a pint of Guiness.. trying to pick up a date for the weekend, INFURIATE ME.
Here is what you need to do. You go up to the bar.. please have your money already counted out so we can expedite this process in a quick and efficient manner. You ask for as many shots that you can possibly afford. Slam them down with a chaser of your choice.
You can be over-served and in bed by 8:00 p.m., instead of making the entire world have to put up with your drunken ass until the wee hours of the night. You are just prolonging the obvious.. you are going to go home.. with having too much to drink and very little cash. Let's just do this thing, quickly and painlessly, and give someone else a turn at the bar.. ok??
OR...You can enjoy the process of drinking at a leisurely pace, socializing and basically enjoying life.
Now, this is how this translates for you and your escalator woes. In your case.. you may want to .. I don't know.. leave home a little earlier?.. enjoy the view of the person's ass in front of you as you make your way up the stairway to heaven. Look around.. socialize a little. Say hello to your neighbor in front of you, ask the neighbor behind you if there are any embarrassing spots on the back of your trousers.
As for me, my big fat lazy butt, and my clapper? We enjoy the ride, standing there.. slack jawed, enjoying the faint breeze in our faces. But you know what we love more?? The angry faces on the young whippersnappers trying to get up the escalator faster.
I have one word of advice for people such as these.. "Why don't you try the stairs?"
Our instinctive reliance on escalators always makes me laugh. How we take them rather than the stairs without giving it a second thought (myself included).
My favorite escalator story was at a mall with my dad about six years ago. The escalator was stopped.
Dad: How do we get up?
Me: Uh, we walk up the escalator.
Dad: Oh.
Unless you are trying to run for a train at the station, walking up, or stomping up those steps gets you 10 more seconds of ...standing on the deck waiting.
Stand now or stand later, at least in most cases.
Oh for Pete's Sake! John Patrick. . . your 'Beeb' is showing! (For you other readers, Beeb was John's grandfather who had a short temper also and would "Whew Boy!" life's simplest inconveniences.) John, STOP and smell the roses! Use your escalator 'ride' for your daily meditation, soaking in peace and tranquility, that you may pass on to others during your day!
Love, Mom
Amen Brother!
Listen to your mother, J Patrick.
When I got off the L platform every day, I used to love to watch people as they approached a broken escalator (which was about 85% of the time). They would get this "now what do I do??" look on their faces as they tried to remember how to actually walk the stairs. They would hesitate at the top (or bottom) of the stairs as if they were wondering if these stairs would magically begin to move when they got on. I guess after figuring that out, their work day was a piece of cake.
I have to admit, though, that I'm a rider, not a walker. And I never understood why walkers wanted to be on the escalator with us riders. The moving stairs won't get you up that much faster if you walk up them. I also have to admit that I usually ignored people who stamped up the escalator behind me. I figured that if they were in a hurry, they would have taken the stairs. But then, I'm a jerk and I loved playing games with my fellow passengers. Anyway, I thought that part of your fare went for the carnival ride on the stairs - you mean it didn't?
By the way, love your blog.
I'm to simple and country to have formed an opinion of escalators. See, we dont have many of them fancy urban contraptions in these parts. So when I'm cool enough to find myself in a place that might offer them free rides, I usually enjoy it. But they must be real expensive cause I dont think LaSalle county has even one single escalator to boast of.
I must say, I have been enjoying these little peeks into your mind JP and this has indeed been my favorite. Maybe it's the little "Beeb-isms" you include so honestly in this segment. Anyways, I'm enjoying myself. Thank you.
Wait.. another comment. When Aunt Nancy and I were discussing the blog of the day.. She said that she would have turned around and asked...
"Does this escalator make my ass look big??"....
That gave me quite the giggle!
Sorry for the convenience.
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